relationships part 2 – losing friends or progressive change?

I would like to share with you my answer to a recent question from a dear student of mine.

Firstly her question:
I wanted to ask you about something… I (shamefully) seem to be losing friends for no apparent reason – either through mis-understandings that are not even confrontational. Also at work, in the one place were I work side by side with another teacher…. a couple of times she has angrily confronted me, mis-judging me and accusing me of blar blar blar and then I’m not even able to respond to her! I wondered if you had any insights as to why this keeps happening to me?

And then my answer:
Firstly let go of the shame. These changes in friendships are a sign of your development. They are an example of evolution playing out in your life. This is a good thing!

Let’s look at the concept of flow in life. Flow is another way of saying progressive change. Change is the one constant in life. At all times, the new is becoming less new, then becoming even less new and at some point it reaches it’s end point and is ready for dissolution. Dissolution is a legitimate and necessary part of life. Without it there is no progress in life.

In order for progress in life to be upheld, Nature ensures that which is no longer relevant is dissolved. Space is then created for something new and, importantly, more evolutionary.

Relationships are no exception to this phenomenon of progressive change.

If you are noticing some relationships are falling into the dissolution category it is simply nature’s way of sustaining progressive flow in your life.

Perhaps there are relationships in our life that at some point were helpful and enjoyable and now they seem to be rough, difficult and less pleasant. The mistake we can make is to think it is the result of some individual action or non-action on our part. It is also a mistake to think that the relationship was a mistake in the first place.

When bumpiness arises in a relationship it is Nature giving us a signal that something needs to shift. There are two possible ways that change needs to play out:

1.  a change in frequency of contact – that means either more or less time together
2.  a change in proximity – that means either more or less closeness

With this understanding we can accept the flow of people in and out of our lives. Every relationship we have ever had has been for some purpose. Every relationship is bound to change – as is every other part of our life. It is not for us to beat ourselves up because things are moving on. Nor is it for us to try to cling on to something that is due for change. Our role is to stay natural, friendly and ready to let go when and where we need to.

An interesting side note:
When we are progressing quickly we may notice an intensification of the dissolution of irrelevancy in our lives. Think of it like this: when you’re moving rapidly downstream in the river you need to let go of those things that may be weighing you down and inadvertently delaying your progress. If you don’t let go the ride will only become more and more bumpy.

3 responses to “relationships part 2 – losing friends or progressive change?

  1. this is a very timely post, hugely helpful and interesting – many thanks, jillian. my question is, what happens when the evolving relationship in question is a family member….?

    janet xx

    1. Relationships with family members are subject to change, just like any other relationship.
      As our consciousness expands, we may notice these personal relationships undergo a lot of change. Perhaps there is a relative who we have not been feeling that close to and we find ourselves wanting to spend more time with him or her. Or we notice that one of our previously more distant relatives wants to be around us and is asking our opinion in a way that they haven’t before.
      The opposite can also be true. Perhaps we’ve had a history of high frequency and close proximity with a family member and we now find that with the expanded perspective of increased awareness, frequency and proximity need to be reduced. One of the watch-outs in this situation is that we ignore the fundamentals and we try to make it work… “because it’s my sister/ brother/ mother/ father… so we have to be close, right?”…
      No – not necessarily. And if you try to force it with those blood relations, you will feel it even more strongly. Your progress will be like salt in their wound – your happiness will highlight their unhappiness and they will take that out on you. So, what to do?
      We let go of the attachment to being close, we adjust frequency and/or proximity of contact and we let them know the lines of communication are always open – if and when they are ready. J x

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